Humor is just another defense against the universe.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until
they speak.
Orderly people will never know the joy of finding something they thought lost
forever.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician.
Men have three basic hairstyles: parted, unparted,
and departed.
If it has tires or testosterone, women will have trouble with it.
Mixed emotions is watching your mother-in-law drive
off a cliff in your new BMW.
I want to go like my grandpa did: in his sleep. Not screaming like the
passengers in his car.
Never let a 3-year old hold a tomato.
Don't trust dogs to watch your food.
When your Mom is mad at someone, don't let her brush your hair.
Success is getting what you want. Happiness is appreciating what you get.
A pessimist is constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
Country music is three chords and the truth. Gospel is three chords and The
Truth.
What lies behind us and before us are small matters compared to what lies
within us.
Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed.
I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things
simultaneously.
You’ve let the lawn go too far when it requires
harvesting.
The past should be a springboard, not a hammock.
Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
A committee is an animal with four back legs.
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can’t
sit on it for long.
Each snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.
A day without sunshine is like... night.
There are forty kinds of lunacy, but only one kind of common sense.
One who keeps his ear to the ground allows his rear to become a target.
People with tact have less to retract.
Nothing can feed an argument like two people who don’t
know what they’re talking about.
People live longer than ever before, a phenomenon compelled
by the 30-year mortgage.
The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.
An apology is the superglue of life, capable of repairing just about anything.
An optimist thinks this is the best of all worlds. A pessimist fears the same.
Blessed are they who have nothing to say and cannot be persuaded to say it.
Perserverance is how high you bounce when you hit
bottom.
Wisdom doesn’t always come with age. Sometimes age
just shows up all by itself.
Marriage is popular because it combines maximum temptation with maximum
opportunity.
You cannot get ahead while you are getting even.
Talk is cheap, except where Congress is concerned.
What the world needs is more love and less paperwork.
A positive attitude won’t solve everything, but will
annoy enough people to be worth the effort.
It’s easy to sit up and take notice, harder to get up
and take action.
When you teach your son, you teach your son’s son.
You don’t get harmony when everyone sings the same
note.
Where the wise can simplify the complex, the foolish complicate the simple.
God gives every bird its worm, but He doesn’t throw
it into the nest.
The best things in life aren’t
things.
A family reunion can be one of the most effective forms of birth control.
If you can't be kind, have the decency to be vague.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know insanity is within walking
distance.
Money talks. Mine says goodbye.
Your worst humiliation is only someone else’s brief
entertainment.
What we get can make a living. What we give makes a life.
The soul would have no rainbows had the eyes no tears.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
An intellectual takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.
You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all
its accessories.
The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older.
Some couples think they need to add spice to their sex lives when they really
need preservatives.
Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with
the enemy.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in
deep water.
Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.
If you can’t sing good, sing loud.
Opportunities are never lost. Someone will take the one you miss.
Keep your words soft and tender because tomorrow you may have to eat them.
If you want to be a leader, just obey the speed limit on a winding two-lane
road.
If you’re convinced the world is moving too fast,
find a bank or supermarket line.
Sometimes I'm not sure if life is passing me by or running me over.
Keep in mind that what's on the dinner table eventually becomes what's on the
chair.
By the time your face clears up, your mind gets fuzzy.
Mothers are the invention of necessity. (mine)
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a wall.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so they can tell when they're in
trouble.
The only way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
I've reached the age where the only thing I can exercise is caution.
You know you're old when you make mental notes, then forget where you put them.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Why do they call it a political “forum” , when most of
us are “againstum”?
If all the country’s financial experts were laid end
to end, they’d still point in all directions.
It is not enough to stare up the steps. We must step up the stairs.
A fool and his money are soon spotted.
Health insurance is like a hospital gown . . . you only think you’re fully covered.
The eighth wonder of the world is the person who knows the other seven.
Ever notice that no matter what happens in a day, it exactly fits in the
newspaper?
Promises are like babies . . . easy to make and tough to deliver.
A flashlight is a case in which to carry dead batteries.
If it’s free, it’s
advice. If you pay, it’s
counseling. If you can use either one, it’s a miracle.
Patience is the ability to let your light shine after your fuse has blown.
If the future belongs to our kids, why do they spend money like there’s no tomorrow?
Babies are nature’s way of showing you what the world
looks like at 3am.
A journey of 1000 miles begins with a delay of two hours before takeoff.
A hypocrite is one who complains there is too much sex and violence on his VCR.
When it comes to blessings in disguise, it’s
hard to beat a poor credit rating.
Freedom consists not of doing what we like, but of having the right to do what
we ought.
We too often love things and use people, when we should be using things and
loving people.
You can’t do much about your ancestors, but you can
influence your descendants enormously.
Until you make peace with who you are, you will never be content with what you
have.
Success is knowing the difference between cornering
people and getting them in your corner.
Happiness is not in having the best of everything, but in making the best of
everything.
Adversity causes some to break, and others to break records.
A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd.
The future belongs to those who see possibilities before they become obvious.
Half the trouble in life can be traced to saying ‘yes’ too quick and ‘no’ too
late.
Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the
shore.
The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.
Life is a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you can spend it only
once.
Money is a good servant but a bad master.
A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.
Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you
need it.
For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
An atheist is one with no invisible means of support.
Some people scale the ladder of success only to find it leaning against the
wrong wall.
The trouble with stretching the truth is that it’s
apt to snap back.
You’re delayed when you’re
defeated. You’re finished when you quit.
One who makes no mistakes does not normally make anything.
More than making money or making love, a man’s
greatest contribution to his wife is making her feel valuable. (mine)
There are three kinds of people in this world . . . those who can count and those
who can’t.
People with tact have less to retract.
Make something foolproof, and someone will make a better fool.
It’s what you learn after you know it all that
counts.
Parking meters should remind us that we lose money standing still.
A complete lack of evidence is a sure sign that the conspiracy is working.
The problem with the rat race is even if you win, you’re
still a rat.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
There is always one more moron than you counted on.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Change is inevitable... except when it comes to vending machines.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun
every year.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one
person.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is
stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew.
Your mouth is probably bigger'n you think.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, look back every
now and then to make sure it's still there.
Lettin' the cat outta the
bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
Never miss a good chance to shutup.
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
There's two theories to arguin'
with a woman. Neither one works.
At a certain college, there was a professor with a
reputation for being tough on Christians. At the first class every semester, he
asked if anyone was a Christian and proceeded to degrade their statement of
faith. One semester, he asked the question again and a young man raised his
hand.
The professor asked, "Did God make everything, young man?"
He replied, "Yes sir, He did!"
The professor responded, "If God made everything, then He made evil."
The student didn't have a response and the professor was happy to have once
again proved the Christian faith to be a myth.
Then another man raised his hand and asked, "May I ask you something,sir?"
"Yes, you may," responded the professor.
The young man stood up and said, "Sir, is there
such a thing as cold?"
"Of course there is, what kind of question is that? Haven't you ever been
cold?"
The young man replied, "Actually, sir, cold doesn't exist. What we
consider to be cold, is really an absence of heat.
Absolute zero is when there is absolutely no heat, but cold does not really
exist. We have only created that term to describe how we feel when heat is not
there."
The young man continued, "Sir, is there such a
thing as dark?"
Once again, the professor responded "Of course there is."
And once again, the student replied, "Actually, sir, darkness does not
exist. Darkness is really only the absence of light. Darkness is only a term
man developed to describe what happens when there is no light present."
Finally, the young man asked, "Sir, is there such thing as evil?"
The professor responded, "Of course. We have rapes, and murders and
violence everywhere in the world, those things are evil."
The student replied, "Actually, sir, evil does not exist. Evil is simply
the absence of God. Evil is a term man developed to describe the absence of
God. God did not create evil. It isn't like truth, or love, which exist as
virtues like heat or light. Evil is simply the state where God is not present,
like cold without heat or darkness without light."
The professor had no response.
A man went to a barbershop to have his hair and his
beard cut as always, and he had a good conversation with the barber who
attended him. They had talked about various subjects when they suddenly touched
on the subject of God. The barber said, " Look
man, I don't believe that God exists."
"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.
"Well, it's easy! You just have to go out in the street to realize that
God doesn't exist. If God exists, would there be so much pain and injustice in
the world?"
The customer thought for a moment, but he didn't respond because he did not
want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left
the shop.
Upon leaving, he saw a man in the street with long hair and a beard. It had
obviously been a long time since he had his hair cut and he looked dirty and
unkempt. The customer then re-entered the barbershop said to the barber,
"You know what? I just realized that barbers don't exist!"
"How can you say they don't exist?" asked the surprised barber.
"I'm here. Why I just worked on you!"
"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because, if
they did, there would be no people with long hair and a beard like that man
outside."
"Ah, but barbers do exist", the barber said with satisfaction,
"what happens is that people don't come to
"Exactly!"- affirmed the customer.
The rest should be easy to figure out.