Student Test Answers
Computer Problem Self-Help Form
Gender Humor
Winning Essay On Government
Steven Wright...isms
Kid's Proverbs
Church Bulletins
Insurance Claims
Memorandums
Bad School Excuses
Church Job Descriptions
Stupid Product Warnings
101 Ways To Say NO
Link to Ira's YouTube videos...
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which
tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the
problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe
sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a
sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on
something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
F-14 FLIGHT (by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated)
Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have ... John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...
Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death! Whatever you do .. Do Not Go!!!
I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach. Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.
Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. "Bananas," he said. "For the potassium?" I asked. "No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot ... but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious. Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me.
And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.
I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit. "What is it?" I asked.
"Two Bags."
"Whenever I watch TV and see those
poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to
be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed,
you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview
for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery
on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball
forward.
"Outside of the killings,
Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some
reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--First Lady Hillary Clinton
commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to
be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent
mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny
Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming
the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, VP
"We've got to pause and ask
ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
"I love California. I practically
grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
"We don't necessarily discriminate.
We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC
Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the
risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
"Traditionally, most of Australia's
imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped
effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God
bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services,
Greenville, South Carolina
In response to question, "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." For at least three minutes, her friend just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.! At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She is hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm, Ma'am, an officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and said, "Mabel, do you know you have a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it, then said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
An elderly couple were on a cruise and seas were pretty rough. They were braving conditions on the stern watching the moon when a huge wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with a promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks passed and finally the man got a fax from the ship that read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife drowned on the bottom of the ocean. We retrieved her to the deck and found an oyster attached to her apparel with a pearl in it worth $50,000. Please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and the find the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again a ceremony is held and at the end of it, the pallbearers are carrying out the casket. As they head for the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
“Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
“If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
“If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
“If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
“If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you
want. Stay on the line until we can trace your call.
“If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
“If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press.
No one will answer.”
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it and that's the important thing.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Some people can tell time by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.
In some rocks, you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
I.T. DEPARTMENT COMPUTER SELF-HELP FORM
1. Describe your problem: ______________________________
2. Now, describe your problem accurately: _________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__ B.
Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__ B.
Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
14. If `Yes,' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?____________
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? ___________________
16. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
17. How does this problem make you feel? _______________________
18. Tell me about your childhood: _______________________________
19. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__
20. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__
You know how they say a boat is referred to as "She" and classified as female? Well, I believe everything in this world actually does have a gender. And here are some of them:
ZIPLOC BAGS are male, because they hold everything in, but you can
always see right through them.
SHOES are male, because they are usually unpolished, with their tongues
hanging out.
PHOTOCOPIERS are female, because once turned off, they take a while to
warm up.
TIRES are male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS are male, because to get them to go anywhere you have
to light a fire under them and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
THE SUBWAY is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people
up.
AN HOURGLASS is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom
HAMMERS are male, because they haven't evolved much over the last 5,000
years , but they are handy to have around.
A REMOTE CONTROL is female ... (Ha! You thought I'd say
"male.") But consider this: it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost
without it, and while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they
keep on trying.
This posting announces the conclusion of the first annual
essay contest sponsored by the G. M. Harding Institute for Civic
Responsibility. This year's topic: Good Government. And the winning entry was:
Good government. Good government. Sit. Stay.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
You can't have everything ... where would you put it?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I
ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are
furious.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the
place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out."
If you're driving your car at the speed of light and cut on your headlights,
will they do anything?
When sales people ask what size I wear, I say, "Extra medium."
As I arrived, the grocer was locking up. I complained, "The sign says Open 24 Hours!" He said, "Not in a row."
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:
As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... mess it up.
Better Be Safe Than... punch a 5th grader.
Strike While The... bug is close.
It's Always Darkest Before... daylight savings time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of... termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. how?
Don't Bite The Hand That... looks dirty.
No News Is... impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... stink in the morning.
Love All, Trust... me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... the best way to relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's... pollution.
Happy The Bride Who... gets all the presents!
A Penny Saved Is... not much.
Two's Company, Three's... the Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... you put on to go to bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... you have to blow your
nose.
None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not... spanked or grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed... get new batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You... see pictured on the box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... get out of the way.
There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.
I have it of the highest authority that the following bon mots have been extracted from real, authentic church bulletins...
Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
Thursday night--potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
REMEMBER in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan
Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the
church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg
on the altar.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be
seen in the church basement Friday.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use
large double door at the side entrance.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Eight new choir robes are needed, due to the addition of several new members
and the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to
join the choir.
Many have experienced the confusion of traffic accidents and have had to summerize correctly what happened in a few words or less on insurance or accident forms. The following quotes were taken from those forms and were eventually published in the Toronto Sun Paper:
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it's
intentions.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my
hand through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an accident.
I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal
joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.
As I approched the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared to stop in
time to avoid the accident.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An Invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found
that I had a skull fracture.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approching fast, I attempted to swerve out of it's
way, when it struck the front of my car.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home, as I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprang
up, obscuring my vision.
From: Headquarters - New York
To: General Managers
Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is
an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and
have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and
inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the
day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the
comet.
MEMORANDUM
From: General Manager
To: Managers
By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's
Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's
work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show
films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.
MEMORANDUM
From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs
By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's
Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company
lawn,
the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs
only every 75 years.
MEMORANDUM
From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs
Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the
auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If
it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us
all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.
MEMORANDUM
From: Section Chief
To: All EA's
When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal
75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before
all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.
Dear School:
Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please
execute him.
Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and
misplaced her hip.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
PASTOR:
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
More powerful than a locomotive
Faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Makes policy with God
ASSISTANT PASTOR:
Able to leap short buildings in a single bound
As powerful as a switch engine
Just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if sea is calm
Talks with God
MUSIC DIRECTOR:
Leaps short buildings with a running start
As powerful as a Yugo
Faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water if he knows where stumps are
Is occasionally addressed by God
YOUTH DIRECTOR:
Runs into small buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Uses a squirt gun
Knows how to wade in shallow water
Mumbles to himself
PASTOR’S SECRETARY
Lifts buildings to walk under them
Kicks locomotives off the track
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth
Freezes water with a single glance
When God speaks, she says “Please hold...”
On a McDonalds Coffee Cup:
"Caution: Contents May be Hot."
On a Sear's hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication." (We could do a lot for OSHA
regulations if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off the
forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
I'd love to, but...
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 the President said he might drop in.
5 the man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese
sculpture.
8 it's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 there's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still
wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 my crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 my patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 the grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat
more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to
Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something
or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 my plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 it's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 my subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 the last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 none of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew
in My Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring
59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many
Lands" and I can't put it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 there are important world issues that need worrying
about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 my bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 you know how we psychos are.
78 my favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 my uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone
is looking for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 my palm reader advised against it.
95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.